It has come to my attention that prospective visitors to the golden apple have a number of misconceptions about our home.

I would like to take an opportunity to correct these perceptions, to make your visit more pleasant for both of us.

Scenario Unus: You bring your family, with more than four kids, and enough hair to sufficiently cover a family of twelve, onto the subway.

Stop.

The era of big hair has not returned, no matter what backwater you may be from. Take this opportunity to sashay over to one of the city's barber shops and take care of the problem. There is a barber on 32nd between 5th Ave and 6th Ave that charges a measly nine dollars per hair cut.

After all, if a passerby thinks you are capable of hiding a .38 in your hair, you may be shot.

Scenario Duo: Based upon your (outdated) information about Times Square, you go to the Toys-R-Us on 43rd St and Seventh Ave and ask for "Prostitute Barbie."

So Sorry

Scenario Tres: You are from New Jersey...